Taylor Swift - Maroon (Official Lyric Video)

"The rope is there and I give up..."

I Smoke Now Vape

Today is Saturday, yesterday Anton and I went and I bought a new vape to smoke. He paid for it and I am very thankful. We also went to buy food because we had a friend over for dinner in the evening. 

We share a bed because there is no bed in the spare room, so yes, it happened last night. He called my name, and I am not sure how I still feel about him. I love him, yes, but I am not sure if I want to be with him until I die because he feels that there is someone out there who will love him more than I do. 

I'm thinking of starting karate lessons to help me defend myself, not just against him, but anyone who tries to hurt me. I want to be stronger, but I am still worried about when I turn 60. I will speak to a financial advisor on Monday to get an idea of what will happen to my pension when I turn 60. I'm tired of struggling, and I feel like I've had enough. 

I'm going to paint in my place in Centurion, and if Anton allows me to live with him again, I will only do the painting there at home in Centurion. I can then take a break, but it will cost me extra because I'll need to pay Anton for the time I spend living with him in his two-bedroom apartment. 

I started working on the steampunk gun yesterday. I made a video and took pictures. Anton helped me with the video and took some of the pictures. Today I am still working on the gun and starting to work on a Google Sheet to provide a quotation for the Montana High School concert. I showed it to Anton, and he is happy but wants to do it slightly differently, which is fine. 

Today we went to a club, Raras, nearby and had pizza and drinks. When we came back, he said he was going to Rasas tonight to meet his new friend, who he really likes. So, I stayed home tonight, had a couple of beers, worked on my blog, and maybe watched a movie on Prime Video. 

I realized today that I am not perfect. I have made my own mistakes, and there are many things I do that people, especially Anton, don't like. He has changed since I moved out at the end of January, and that breaks my heart because he is special to me.

Photo by Pieter Lategan

Pieter Lategan busy making a Steampunk Gun

Photo by Pieter Lategan

Photo by Pieter Lategan , new Vape

Photo by Pieter Lategan

We got the job for Montana High School concert

 

Today was a very good day, except my depression levels were very high. I consider assisted suicide in Switzerland or Canada and am busy working on it. I am thinking of ending my life when I am 60 years old. I feel that I want to pack up and go. I have my problems and am worried if I will have enough money to survive when I am old. I don't think it will be enough.

The possibility that I will grow old alone is very high because I can't see myself in a good relationship soon after Anton and I broke up last year in November. He met someone new and is busy continuing with his life.

We got a big job today, and Anton and I are going to work on it. I hope it is one of many. It is for High School Montana here in Pretoria, South Africa. We struggled to get the job, but eventually we got it.

It is the making of props and costumes for the concert, and while we are working, I will post the progress.

Photo: Pieter Lategan

Photo: Pieter Lategan

Photo: Pieter Lategan

Photo: Pieter Lategan

Photo: Pieter Lategan

Sunday 14 April Props for the Concert, Steampunk Theme

I took the photos of the props we are busy making for the school.  We finished with the money bags, busy with the steampunk gun and the princess hat.

 

Montana High School

Today was Saturday. Anton and I spoke this morning till late, and we fell asleep and woke up around 11 o'clock. We discussed what we are going to do for the concert at Montana High School, which they said we no longer have the job for. Anton and I decided that we are going to finish what we were busy with and give that to them, as they suggested. However, we are still trying to get the costumes that were suddenly taken away from us.

 Despite that, we worked hard today. Anton is watching television, and I am doing a little social media. 

I took a few photos of what Anton and I are busy with and will continue tomorrow.

 

Friday was work day

 Today was hard work, and we are not sure if we still have the contract for Montana School, but we have already made a few props and hats, so we will at least get something for that. However, we are still trying to get all the costumes.

I took a few photos of the work we did today. I worked on the paper mache, Anton worked on the props and hats.

This week has been tough with all the emotions running between Anton and me. He fell in love with someone else, and it seems like it's finally over. I am glad about that because Jan Hendrik is absolutely a narcissist. He played Anton, and that totally broke him.

I am here for him and will be there for him when he needs me. He hit me on the nose last Wednesday, but it's all about the frustration he has with the feelings he has for Jan Hendrik. He hurt me and Anton, and he had a big influence on my relationship. Still, I am not sure where I am going or if I will stay with Anton. Will we still have a relationship like the one we had for the last three years until we split in November 2023? I don't know. Time will tell, and I feel very uncertain. I actually don't do relationships. There are too many emotions flying around that I can't handle, but being alone is also hard.

Here are a few pictures I took of our work for the steampunk theme of the school.

Made up around 5 o'clock.

The last two days were full of fights between Anton and me. This morning, we made up around 5 o'clock. He is sleeping now, and it is just after 8 in the morning.

These last 5 months were terrible, and having a third person playing in your relationship is not funny, especially when you have been together for more than three years.

Yesterday, I officially started with the concert props. We are waiting for money to start buying fabrics and other things we need to make the clothing.

The school theme is Steampunk, so we are working with colors like gold, silver, bronze, and brown. Here are a few pictures that Anton took of the gun he created as a prop. He also took the photos.